You Never Met A Man Like Me
I was constantly filled with insecurity and jealousy, uncertain of myself and the relationship. I knew my inclination to being blinded by the sun rather than blinded by love had led me astray, so I decided to sit with all the ugly and uncomfortable aspects of myself that I used men to distract away from. I was actually quite excited about it! This way I could have a male friend who I trusted and could build a platonic relationship with.
We could cuddle and spend endless hours together laughing and creating a welcomed container that felt safe to experience the masculine energy.
I thought I had found my perfect gay best friend. And he fell in love with me. Running from love My master plan was ruined. My hopes of spending platonic slumber parties together became much more complicated. This knowledge made my walls more impenetrable. I wanted to be responsible with the fragile heart I held in my hands.
So the feelings which were present from both sides were incapable of being fully received. We grew closer everyday, spending hours talking about life and our dreams. I could feel this attachment to him grow stronger, so I made sure to protect him.
I set boundaries and was very clear with my intentions and my feelings. And yet, this man persisted through it all. I could feel his deepening love for me and I was convinced it needed to stop. I wanted to make sure I saved his heart from utter breakage. After several brief interludes of me declaring I wanted distance and space, I would always come back to him.
Like the prodigal son, I came back to the voice that felt like home. And we continued to be best friends, him never wavering on his outpourings of love and sending me songs that expressed his feelings for me, while I held steadfast to my resistance and barbed-wire fence protecting my heart.
Then one day, he sent me pictures of himself. And he was hot. Like, so hot. Love unblinded Everything changed in a moment. My world was shaken up and the walls around my heart began crumbling down in an instant. The love that had built up outside my walls flooded through and I was knocked backwards by the force. I felt as if I had hit my head and was living in a fairytale.
I had been secretly falling in love with this man but unwilling to admit it until the last missing piece fell into place. And when it finally did, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and disbelief.
I immediately wanted to meet him, to see him. And as we started talking about flying to see each other, COVID struck the world in a wave of upheaval, causing dreams and plans to shift collectively, and my love life to be put on hold. The eagerness to finally see this man who I not only had fallen in love with his voice and his soul, but also his face, growled angrily inside my stomach, imagining having to wait an unspecified amount of time until we could actually meet.
To say I lived the first months of quarantine in utter bliss would be a gross exaggeration. Those same fears, the same trepidation of falling so headfirst into love were still active in my existence. All the trauma and past conditioning came up and shook hands with the inherent stress of a long-distance relationship. However, this man has stayed by my side, or rather, has remained on the other side of the phone this whole time. Through my fear and hesitancy, my trying to breakup with him multiple times , my anger, my trauma, and my desire to be free, he has always been there.
However, I know you have a beautiful heart, the way you write me, the way you express your feelings and thoughts with me. I cannot stop thinking about what will you be doing this time? Where will you be right now; will you be missing me or not?
But I am sure that the fire of love is burning on both sides. Sometimes I feel how this is possible to love without meeting, but love has no boundaries. I do not know when but I fell in love with your words, your feelings. Sometimes I sit alone, and think that how you would look like? Long black hair? Blushing cheeks? Lips like the fresh roses? You look like I totally fall; I would be grateful if you could hold my hands.
I do not want to let you go. I want to be with you as soon as possible then we never get separated in life. You are becoming my desire, hope of my life and future. I want to spend my whole life with you.
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